baking & babies

This happened…

First of all, excuse the chipped polish. I can barely reach my own toes anymore.

Second of all, DO YOU SEE THOSE CANKLES? If it weren’t for the indentation from my socks, my feet would be completely indistinguishable from my calves. My toes are sausages, and everything’s puffy.

This was after a particularly long day on my feet, so don’t panic if you’re looking at the photo thinking “What the hell HAPPENED?” Its not pre-eclampsia or anything scary – just regular old swelling. If you really want to see something funny, you should watch me wedge these babies into my flats for work. It seriously looks like I’ve stuffed yeast dough into my shoes and let it rise. Excellent.

I’m not complaining – I actually find it pretty funny to come home at the end of the day and tell J “Sorry, honey…I need to put my feet up.” And when I grab my foot and the fingerprints stay there – it makes me giggle a little. Like, hey there, baby…what are you DOING to my body?

I ALWAYS swell a little in the summer – the heat makes my hands and feet puff right up. So I’m sure this summer will be no exception. Stay tuned for some marshmallow-y updates – I’m sure it will get worse before it gets better!

Yesterday was my glucose screen – I was a little late to the party at 28 weeks, but I figured I’m better late than never!

Sugar and I don’t get along, historically, though I have a massive sweet tooth. Because of my PCOS, I’m insulin resistant, which means that the less sugar I eat, the better I feel. I lose weight like crazy when I cut out sugar, and all of my fibromyalgia pain basically disappears.

So what happens when you feed someone like me excessive amounts of a syrupy, sugary drink? I crash, and I crash HARD.

I was exhausted when I got home last night, but this morning was by far the worst. The above photo is my remedy- this is what it took to get me through the day at work. Yes, I understand that combatting sugar with sugar is not the way to go, but a girl’s gotta do what’s necessary. Plus, it was DARK chocolate (antioxidants) with FRUIT and NUTS. Practically health food.

No results yet, but we’ll find out soon. How did you do with your glucose screen? Did you survive?

“I will be a mother one day, in one form or another. I can’t imagine anything different, because I can’t cope with anything different. And my heart breaks for those of you in similar situations- the tunnel is dark and there’s no visible light at the end. But it’s coming, eventually. And there’s always hope.”

Last year at this time, I was face to face with what Mother’s Day looked like to an infertile.

“There’s a small part of me that’s grieving today as well. I’m trying my best to focus on a celebration of all things Mom today, but there’s that piece of my heart that is black and saddened by the passage of another Mothers Day without the promise of a child.”

I sat idly by as they handed out carnations to all of the mothers at church. I teared up as the opening video extolled the virtues of moms, and one too many photos of adorable bouncing babies passed the screen. My heart ached for those like me, who were celebrating with their own mothers, but who had empty arms of their own.

And this year I’m in a different place.

I remember the brokenness. I remember the bitterness, the pain that came from being passed over on a holiday just for moms. For those who had been successful at what I was failing at so badly.

And yet, I’m celebrating my own milestones just the same.

I crossed the third trimester mark this week, and as baby girl keeps growing, I have softened to the idea of Mothers’ Day. Though I’m not being celebrated at our brunches and dinners, though I’m not *quite* recognized as a mama yet by the general public, I have my own victory to push me through. In three short months, I’ll have a baby in my arms. I’ll be her mama – I’ll have that little piece of me that I know has been missing.

And I can’t help but thank God for the place that I’m at this year. That as a holiday so difficult for many rolls around, I have been pulled out of the depths of my despair.

“For this child I prayed, and God heard my petitions.” 1 Samuel 1:27

To all of you mamas and mamas-to-be out there, have a wonderful day. If you are still struggling, if this post hurts your heart the way that dozens of Mothers’ Day posts broke mine, you are in my prayers.

Last summer, I ate watermelon like it was going out of style. I could power through a ten-pound melon in two days, easily. Sometimes it was as a watermelon, feta and arugula salad (delicious, not weird, I promise), but most often, I would just cube it up, toss it with a little lime juice, and go to town.

Though its only May, the cycle has started again.

J tried to tell me that this is not a normal person’s serving of melon. I reminded him that it was for me AND his daughter – therefore I had a little leeway. And also…it was only a quarter of a whole one. A quarter is basically nothing.

Its now a full day later, and I’ve eaten watermelon salad today as well. I’ve put a whole bunch of cubed melon in the fridge for lunch tomorrow, and I’m trying to refrain from cutting up ANOTHER quarter for a snack. Though I rationalize away the fact that watermelon is mostly water, I keep having to remind myself that it is water AND SUGAR. And sugar is not so great for someone who is going for her gestational diabetes screen in a week or so (and who already has insulin-resistance issues).

So I rely on this open confession about my watermelon craving/obsession to keep me under control. Maybe by posting, I won’t dash to the fridge to sink my teeth into the remaining half a melon that sits there tempting me.

Any summer-time food loves? Any major cravings lately?

Today is May 8.

There are exactly three months left until my due date. What on earth has happened? Where has the time gone?

I’m excited, as many new mothers are. (I won’t say all…I know that’s not true). I’m especially excited because it was a struggle to get here. I’m excited for the first time I see our little girl, the first time I hold her, the first of everything. I’m excited to see whether she has my grey/green eyes, or J’s curly hair. Will she be a tiny little peanut, or a ten-pounder with a hundred rolls? Am I going to be in love at first sight? (Yes. How can it not be, when I already love her.)

But I’m nervous as well.

I don’t know much about raising kids. I haven’t done this before, and its been awhile since I’ve had to tend to a baby’s needs. I volunteer with the infants on Sunday mornings, but that is mostly cuddles and toys. I don’t know about breastfeeding, or sleep cycles, or what to do with bad diaper rash.

I’ve been reading like you wouldn’t believe. Thanks to fabulous sites like Hellobee, and the wonderful mommy-bloggers who have gone before me, I’m learning. But I’m worried that this head-knowledge is not going to translate. I’m worried that I might cave under pressure. I’m worried that I might do something wrong.

But ultimately, we’re hardwired for this. As long as this little girl is fed, clothed, changed and protected, she’ll turn out okay. I don’t have to read about everything from birth to her first day of kindergarten; I can learn things as I go along.

Did you have any fears before baby came along? How did you fill in the gaps in your knowledge? Did instincts kick in?

A few weeks ago, we decided it might be time to register for some baby things. How difficult could it be? Babies don’t need much; somewhere to sleep, some clothes, diapers, and a source of food. Right?

Oh. Wrong. So wrong.

Have you been into a baby store lately? I don’t mean the cute little boutiques that sell a handful of items. I mean a baby emporium like Babies R Us or Buy Buy Baby. That s*** is overwhelming. There isn’t just a shelf of pacifiers. There is a whole entire wall. Ditto for bottles, diapers, strollers, carseats, sleep sacks, etc etc etc. If I hadn’t been armed with a list of recommendations, I very well might have broken down and cried. How are you supposed to choose just ONE of something when there are twenty options?

So what did I choose? HOW did I choose it?

A few things were key for me.

1. Read reviews, talk to other moms, and check out blogs (like this one!). Reviews are written for a reason; to help people make decisions. If you see something that you like, check it out. I loved Lucie’s List for this – she has fantastic opinions and has definitely done her research. I also checked out Amazon reviews – just take them all with a grain of salt.

2. Test things out! If you get the chance, pull that stroller down off the shelf. Drive it around a bit, practice folding it and setting it up. Grab that infant seat and haul it around the store with a 10lb pack of diapers in it. Are you going to be able to haul this thing around for ages? Some things are much harder to test out – but don’t be afraid to ask. If you get a good salesperson, they might even let you open up that box!

3. Register for different brands/types. Have you seen how many different bottle brands and makes there are? Honestly, you could use a different bottle every week for most of the year, if you felt so inclined. I didn’t want to register for a million of one type, only to find out that baby might hate them. So I registered for a few different types. That way, if Little Miss only likes the Dr Brown’s, or has a aversion to Avent, I won’t be out a ton of money.

These are just my opinions, seeing as I don’t actually have a baby yet. Or any of the gear I registered for. But if these three tips help you out a little, then my work here is done.

Stay tuned for a post about the actual things I registered for. You know…if you care.

Three years has passed since this beautiful day.

May 1, 2010 was 24 degrees and balmy (until the rain hit, but that’s no big deal). After five and a half years together, J and I were so excited to finally be getting married – our long-distance relationship was getting OLD. The day had its fair share of mishaps and mistakes (the 6 cheesecakes left at home in our freezer, the mad dash to finish photos before our ceremony), but looking back, none of that mattered.

Happy Anniversary to my best friend, my confidante, and the daddy to our little girl. I love you forever, and am excited for all the next years have to offer.